by Robert McDonald
The raid on Area 51 took a surprising turn last week when the guards, complaining of the sweet-smelling smoke drifting from nearby campgrounds, were overwhelmed by the temptation of the recently returned McRib sandwich. A local camper, lost on what he described as a “Cheetos Run”, wandered through the unprotected gate and stumbled upon a UFO containing cryogenic freezing units.
Mistakenly believing he had found a trove of unprotected ice cream, the camper immediately gathered the remaining campers. After several bowls, the campers were chagrined to discover that the freezing units were filled with aliens. One angry camper posted a picture of the alien with a caption stating that he felt “…triggered, and the government should have at least put some ice cream in the freezer.”
When asked about the discovery of alien life, democratic presidential candidates were quick to respond; unfortunately, we cannot report the response of the 600 candidates. Joe Biden in an interview in front of a mirror said, “Barack Obama is my friend.” We are still trying to decipher what he meant by this. Bernie Sanders asked why a rich alien was the only one to have a UFO and demanded a revolution.
Elizabeth Warren unveiled a welfare plan she had written in 1973 while living on the Cherokee reservation. In this plan, she is proposing paying for the aliens by taxing the wealthy an additional 0.0001%. This was met with thunderous disapproval from Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, who emerged from his shell to condemn Warren for attacking job creators. However, fearing a predator, he returned to his shell to finish his lettuce.
Upon receiving reports of the alien, President Donald J. Trump announced, “In my great and unmatched wisdom, I have asked the emperor of the alien race to investigate Joe Biden and his son.” When the alien emperor offered to give humans access to unlimited clean energy, President Trump responded by banning all travel to the aliens’ home planet. He then tweeted the construction of a Diphon Circle to keep the aliens from taking American jobs.
When asked about the president’s proposal, Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, stated, “I was concerned that the sphere would wipe out the human race, but I wanted to compromise with the president and build windows into the sphere.” When reading about the president’s plan on Twitter, Congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced a plan that would give free college and healthcare to these aliens, whom she described as “our brothers and sisters”. The aliens responded to this statement with a simple, “Why?”
As the debate continues in the United States, Chinese and European leaders demand to know why they were not told of the aliens. In a joint response, Congress and the president responded to their counterparts, saying, “Nobody cares what you think.”
Upon this discovery, a new poll was taken from all people in every country, and 99% supported that the alien race should invade Earth and replace all politicians, except the ones they voted for. In response to this request, the alien race built a Death Star.